“WHEN SHOULD YOU MEET?”

After Internet Dating for nearly 14 years, (¬†on and off by the way, I am not a complete serial dater, however my friends may think differently! ūüôā ) I have tried many different ways – chat online then meet in a couple of days, chat online then meet straight away, chat online, text and phone¬†for weeks before meeting….so many different scenarios and which one is the best one?

Through Trial and many Errors this is the way I find best :

Chat online, text on mobile, talk on mobile, then meet – I prefer to do all of this, if possible within 2-3 days and no longer than a week, and I will tell you why shortly.

I have a close girlfriend who has been Internet Dating around 8 years, we talk every couple of days and always have “war stories” for each other. Early days of Internet dating she never wanted to take my advice,¬†to meet within 3 days, she preferred to build rapport, gauge a sense of who they are before she felt comfortable to meet, this banter would go on for weeks as she would wait for him to ask her out, did she get asked out? Yes sometimes and sometimes not. Most of the time she was left feeling disillusioned and disappointed, let me tell you why……keyboard

When we speak to someone we haven’t met before we conjure up in our mind how we imagine them to be in¬†person. The more you speak with them on message or text the more you will think they are amazing, then when you hear his or her voice you can sometimes be let down. I was messaging with a handsome 6’3″, 46 year old man who¬†was fit, great physique, big arms & shoulders, just what I like, he sounded lovely by message and I thought all my Christmases had come at once…until I heard his voice on the phone…..he sounded like a girl!¬†Very high pitched and it completely changed the way I saw him. Is this shallow? Maybe it is, but I imagined him to have the deepest, sexiest, mucho voice and I was disappointed, but disappointed in myself in not talking to him¬†earlier.¬†I did meet him for coffee and he was lovely and I didn’t even worry about the sound of his voice in person, he just wasn’t right for me.

So we chat online, text on mobile, then talk on mobile , all is sounding great so why not meet? You may want to keep talking to feel comfortable, like my girlfriend – (who by the way, through experience, now meets within 2-3 days!) there maybe extenuating circumstances as to why you cant meet such as work, kids, etc. But, if you cannot find the time to meet within a week, do you or they, really have time to date?

I¬†like to get to the point quite quickly, life is too short to waste on the wrong guy, ¬†after the initial banter – see my blog – “What to say¬†to get the conversation started” – if they don’t suggest to text or phone I will, I will send a text and after texting will ask if they mind if I call. Some men do not wish to be too forward, but I want to be in control of the situation I don’t want it to drag out, so I will even suggest to meet for a coffee if they don’t suggest it first. date3

One experience I had in the early days, within the first 6 months, of Internet Dating I was chatting online and on the phone to a man who sounded amazing, we had similar values, we laughed, we talked on the phone for hours, we had so much in common but he lived an hour from me. He had his kids every 2nd weekend, and had to go away for work, so this meant we were talking on the phone for over 3 weeks before we met! Over the three weeks of talking, this guy was like a knight in shining armour to me, he was my prince, the man who was going to be the one I would live happily ever after with, I was so excited to meet him!

We arranged to meet at a caf√©, he drove the hour to see me, and we both discussed that if things were going well the date would go into lunch. I was expecting this to happen and even roll into dinner too as he was going “to be the one”!!!!

I was sitting at an outdoor table at the caf√© , and I saw a man walk around the corner around 20 metres away, and I was saying to myself …please let this NOT be him, PLEASE let this not be him, he was hunched over when he was walking, not this strong Knight I was imagining, he had made no effort in his appearance and wore a crinkled T-shirt, and¬†shorts that looked like they were 2 sizes too small and to top¬†this off he was wearing socks with¬†sandals!!!!¬† (please¬†remember, this guy was 35 at the time, not my dads age!!)….yes you can change a mans dress sense, but this wasn’t what I was imagining after 3 weeks of phone conversation!……….Hi…Its You!!! ūüė¶ ūüė¶ ūüė¶

I knew as soon as I saw him that I was not physically attracted to him, yes more shallow Miss T, but the physical attraction has to be there too!! Suffice to say, we did have coffee that evolved to lunch as we had awesome conversation, but that was it, and I never heard from him again.

My lesson learnt – Why waste time on the wrong guy? Chat online, Text on mobile, Chat on Phone then Meet – If you connect then amazing, if not……..NEXT! ūüôā ūüôā

Happy chatting ūüôā

 

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I’M BACK IN THE SADDLE!

23749-Hand-HoldingAfter a 12 month relationship and an 18mth illness I thought it was time to get back on here and inform you gals (and guys) what has been happening, my apologies for being away so long!

As the title says, I am back in the saddle, back on the dating sites, back having coffee dates, lunch dates, flirting, getting butterflies again and then getting frustrated….how many emotions can you go through in one day?? Lol

I will step back to 2015 when I stopped writing…the reason…I met a lovely man on Tinder.

Yes it is possible to have a relationship off Tinder! Not all men on there are looking just for “fun” (short for sex!), some are looking for more (short for lets see how this progresses).

I met him by chance, a lazy Saturday night at home by myself, watching Netflix with a glass of wine and flicking through Tinder in boredom! Don’t get me wrong I love spending time at home on my own, but I also need some amusement and stimulation and I usually get one or the other from Tinder!

Amusement is sometimes seeing the crude photos that are put up, the couples on there looking for a woman to join them, men dressed as women, married men showing only their naked torso trying to entice us, and of course that same old photo.. men petting a tiger in Thailand!

The stimulation is sometimes having a mutual match with a man who actually converses with you and doesn’t drop off the face of the earth, (a term now called Ghosting, but that will be explained at a¬†later date in detail, as you will come across it, if you haven’t already!)

So I had a mutual match with a man from interstate who was visiting my home town of Melbourne, we chatted and decided to meet for a coffee in the morning before he left for the airport. Unfortunately I misunderstood the time he was flying home, he¬†told me 10 and I “assumed” it was¬†10 at night, but it was 10am and while I was having a lovely Sunday morning¬†sleep- in he was messaging me asking if I was still coming!

So we continued to chat for another 3 weeks, which is very much against my own rule, of meeting quickly to either see if there is a physical connection or move on to the next! He was so besotted he decided to drive down and stay the weekend to meet me! (in a hotel, not with me!) I was very flattered and excited however the night before he was tolaughing-man-and-woman arrive I started to panic….he is driving all this way to meet me, what if I don’t like him, he is here for 3 days and expecting to do things together, what have I got myself into????

Another spanner in the works…..a guy I had been seeing on and off for 12 months, who I had thought was the love of my life, and he broke my heart, contacted me the night before my man was coming down to see me, ¬†declaring his love for me, that he had made a mistake going back his¬†ex and it was me that he wanted!! I¬†hadn’t spoken to him for¬†over 3 months!!! Talk about bad timing………..

I met my interstate man, and he was lovely, such a gentleman, chivalrous, attractive, generous, kind, yet the conversation from the night before with my ex,¬†was in the back of my mind, and so¬†I told this lovely man it wouldn’t work as we lived too far away from each other.

To cut a long story short, he pursued me and wore me down! (not really) and we started dating albeit long distance.

We travelled together, had a lot of fun and laughs, but after 12 months the cracks started to show and I just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore…..my longest relationship in 14 years……I enjoyed being in a relationship, sharing my day, having someone to do things with, go out with,¬†I had my alone time too which I cherish, but when it ended¬†it lead me to ask myself………Can you get addicted to Internet dating????

Keep smiling ūüôā

WHAT DO I SAY TO GET THE CONVERSATION STARTED?

A friend of mine who has nervously¬†just started on the online dating scene asked me this question…..

“What do I say to get the conversation started?”

I like to do one of two things…..

1. Comment on something that I have read in the profile, and also ask an open ended¬†question so he needs to respond,¬†¬†¬†eg….Hi, I think we may some common interests, I like to snow ski also, where do you usually go to ski?

That should get the conversation flowing, I also like to ask if they are looking for something casual or¬†exploring the chance of a relationship……that way you know up front where you stand. You will probably get asked the same question in return. Be honest as there is no use saying you want a relationship when really you just want to start dating….you can explain you have not been on the site for long and are new to it, everyone has been in your position before so don’t be shy.

2. If there is no profile description, as is the case on some Tinder profiles, I usually start with a compliment about the photo eg. What a great smile you have……….or a basic opener is “Hi, how are you today?” …..then you can follow with questions such as…..How long have you been on here for? Have you had many dates? How did they go? What do you do for fun? Do you have children, if so how old?

Men DO NOT like being asked how tall they are, if they over 6′ they don’t care, but men under that seem to have an issue with women asking them. I recently had a guy send me a response of¬† ” Why are you women so shallow and want to know height???, it shouldn’t matter, every woman asks that question, it is annoying!!” (he was obviously short!)¬†, so I tend to wait until I have maybe moved on to texting or talking on the phone and say something like, Do you mind if I ask your height? I am 5’9″…that way you are telling them about you and they feel obliged to tell you, the same goes for personal questions such as what do you do for work? I am a teacher , or how old are your children? I have a boy 19 and a girl 18, Where do you live?….I always pick a well known suburb close to me and say for example”¬†Malvern area.”

I try to show my personality in my responses so they get a feel for who I am and also what I am looking for. I don’t want to waste my time going to meet someone for coffee if I find out he has no job,¬†missing teeth (mouth closed in pic), and 4 kids from 3 different women (that has happened to me btw, a story for another time! ūüôā )

So don’t be afraid to ask what you want to know and what is important to you. You also need to consider what is unacceptable to you, what are the deal breakers….for me it is if they are a smoker, I wont meet them at all.

It is funny though…….what my deal breakers were 11 years ago have probably halved as I realised I was being too harsh and the deal breakers really weren’t deal breakers, so don’t have too many expectations, but don’t lower your standards either. When the right guy comes along, even if only for a short period of time there is nothing better than¬†butterflies in the stomach and the excitement of receiving a text or call from him.

So many times I have been on dates and thought after the first date….hmmmm there is something about him, I need to see him again…….usually after the second or even third date you will know if there is some chemistry there, don’t try to force it, and remember, once men are over the age of 35 or even 30,( if they have been married), you CANNOT change him! You have to accept this guy for who he is now as he is who¬†he is, just like you are who you are and will not change either, nor should you! ūüôā

Happy Dating! ūüôā

THE FIRST DATE…….

So you have been chatting to your date now via txt and spoken on the phone and you have decided to meet for a coffee or drink.

I think it best to always have the control….you choose where to go, somewhere you feel comfortable, where it is busy yet quiet enough to still be able to chat. Allow an hour and mention that you only have an hour that way you can escape if you need to if it is not going well, and if it is going well and you want to stay longer just say it was nothing imperative and all is good!Featured image

Always take your own car! Never agree to be picked up no matter how much you “think you know him”!

Before you leave to go to your meeting place, to be safe, just tell a friend what you are doing and where you are going. Also give your friend his phone number. I always call before I leave to make sure he is running on time as you do not want to be stood up or left waiting for a long period!

This¬†is a lesson I have learnt……. I was speaking to a guy once and we agreed to meet in the city at a bar, I hadn’t¬†spoken to him on the phone prior to leaving, as the arrangement was only made a few hours earlier. When I got to the bar¬†I called him to see if he was already there as I couldn’t see him. He then told me that he had left a message on my RSVP page asking to confirm the meeting. As I didn’t confirm he made other plans!! When I checked my messages on RSVP there it was! He could have txt me!¬†I was very disappointed¬†that I¬†got ready on a week night¬†for an 8.00pm date, drove 30 mins only to find I was stood up! So I have never gone¬†on a date without confirming via a call¬†(not a txt) since!

What to wear……something smart casual, don’t¬†wear a top¬†too low cut unless you just want him for sex! If you are looking for a potential relationship dress stylish and for the venue¬† you are going to. Jeans and a nice t-shirt or shirt, jacket etc

Don’t commit to dinner for a first date, another lesson I learnt….

I spoke to this guy for a few days and thought he¬†appeared nice.¬† I said yes to his dinner invitation only to find that he swore like a trooper, had a funny smell, ate carbonara¬†pasta and the sauce dripped all over his chin, he didn’t wipe it¬†and when he spoke¬†I noticed he had parsley¬† stuck in his teeth!!! To top the night off his credit card didn’t work and I was left paying for the bill!!!!

So just a drink or coffee to start with, confirm the date before you leave to go, I also call when I arrive and ask if he is there yet? If he is a gentleman he will be waiting for you out the front or out the front of a shop close by so you can greet each other, a little peck on the cheek is acceptable,( or shake his hand) and walk in together!

I like to notice if he is chivalrous, as that is important to me, but it may not be too you. I look at the way he dresses, holds himself, looks at me,¬†I take a lot in, in the first 30 seconds! Sometimes I want to run in the opposite direction before we have sat down ( but I don’t)¬†and other times I think “this is a¬†good start!”¬†¬†…….I have been known to receive an emergency¬†txt from my sick child, but I always stay at least 30 mins to be courteous.

My opinion is that when you meet for a coffee or a drink he should pay, you can shout the next coffee! ūüôā

At the end of the meeting again either a peck on the cheek (or lips if it went well)¬†or shake his hand if didn’t!

Enjoy your date!

“I AM READY TO START DATING – WHERE DO I START?”

You are ready! You are over your ex…happy within yourself…and ready to take the leap!Young Romantic Couple Celebrating With Wine Stock Photo

The Dating world has changed a lot over the last 10 years. The old way was meeting someone across the room, your eyes would meet, and a romance would begin……..unless you are under 30 years old the probability of that happening is slim. But it can happen!

The latest way to date is online…..scary yes…but just as scary as going to a bar and talking to some drunk who is probably lying to you & trying to feel you up! There is a lot of stigma around internet dating but that is usually spread by married¬† or uninformed individuals who are na√Įve of the “single world”.

If you¬†want to get out there Internet dating is the way to go. There are so many sites that you can view to feel comfortable before you decide to join. Tinder is by far the easiest – just sign in with a Facebook account and away you go….swipe right until your heart is content and if he/she swipes right for you too then you have a match! ūüôā You can start talking straight away and then decide if you want to give out a phone number to talk on the phone next. If you change your mind you can “un match” and they cant contact you again…….easy…….I have met some lovely men on Tinder¬† but Tinder is known for people who just want a casual hook up…if that is what you want then fine, but if not, make sure you ask¬†them what they are looking for!

I think I joined RSVP around the time is was starting to get popular in Australia. I have been on and off the site for 11 years. I scrolled through the site as a visitor for a while before I felt comfortable in joining. You really do need to put a picture up to get the best contact and there is lots of help on the site to assist you in writing a good profile.

I have several friends both male and female that have met life partners on RSVP!¬†Yes it is possible! ¬†I even met a guy that I ended up going into business with for 6 years, the relationship didn’t work after 3 months¬†but we remained friends and bought a business instead! I have many male friends that I still keep in contact with that I have met through dating sites and a lot of males that I do not want to see ever again! ūüôā

Another popular site similar to RSVP¬†is Plenty of Fish (POF), and two other sites to try which are¬† personality based, you fill in a very large questionnaire, and matches are sent to you according to similarities. These sites are EHarmony & Elite Singles…..there are hundreds of sites out there Match.com, Zoosk etc. You can be on any or all of them if you like. The trick is to find the site that best suits you…….go on get searching! ūüôā